| born and die alone |
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| 11:55am 06/12/2009 |
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in ten minutes i have to go to campus to meet with my group about our presentation on tuesday. i have decided to focus on art that responds to gold mining life in the serra pelada, brazil. we are going to get our powerpoints together, figure out an opening statement to relate all of our works together, and hopefully that's gonna be it.
after that, im not sure what i should do next. i think i will probably go to avery to edit my film final which is also due on tuesday. after i finish editing i will go into one of the studios to record sounds. hopefully i will be in the right focus to continue working and editing the sounds.
by this point in time it will probably be around six. if the adderal hasnt worn off, maybe ill go to the library to finish my powerpoint and write note cards for my presentation.
after this i should try to go to the gym.
before i go to sleep i will have to email my professors about classes next semester.
i moderated into spanish. they think (completely unlike the film department) that i am fantastic. they think my analysis is spot on and interesting, they want me to double major, go abroad and...stay another year.
but i cant really allow myself to think about this too much, because its starting to stress me out.
it would be a great thing.
but it seems that this stasis i had with evan is slowly melting away.
and i already have a flight and everything... |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| im not going to survive because im an asshole and a failure |
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| 12:10pm 18/11/2009 |
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Falling in love ruined my life. I'm a total failure as a student and an artist. As a human, I'm pretty normal and it sucks. I cry all the time, like a huge baby. I have gained weight, because I'm made out of failure. Falling in love made me into a regular, bland, normal asshole. I'm just like everyone else now.
My professors and my advisors keep telling me that I'm at this level where my work is grasping at something and not exploring it fully. I'm not developing my ideas or takin enough risks to make my films really great or powerful.
I have no idea WHAT THE FUCK this even means or HOW THE HELL I can do anything about it When I think about making a movie in my head I see pictures and hear whispers and have tiny little bulbs of ideas that never really work out. I don't know why I can't get anything to happen and the more I'm in school the more I realize that I don't have any idea why I am here or what I am doing. I don't know if I really want to make movies in the future. Last year I thought I did for sure. But then they told me I was bad at doing it and I believed them. And I still believe them, even when they say "But it's not a bad thing. In a way it's a great thing. You're smart. You're just TOTALLY FUCKING INEPT."
This is supposed to be MY time to figure out my life and deal with my shit.
I feel like I'm being crushed by everything.
People always turn into assholes.
I can't seem to do ANYTHING right.
Evan is going to leave and suddenly I'm going to wake up, alone, in a horrible night mare, naked and vulnerable, drunk and fat, wondering why the hell I ever gave my heart (my head) away to someone so silly and so temporary.
Fuck. Fuck everything. |
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(uhoh... 2 got @#!* cussed outYou talking to me?) |
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| 08:07pm 09/11/2009 |
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also, everything i used to love does not feel like it belongs to me anymore.
i want to freeze in the woods
because i cant sing |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| 04:31pm 02/11/2009 |
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three things that will help me get my life back on track
music
black hole of the library
gym
or to put it quite basically
never being at home. |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| is thismylife? THISpart is the DREAM |
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| 01:59pm 01/11/2009 |
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being a good student is harder than ever... maybe because, in general, being a human is hard work. im sleepy, overfed, underenergized, i might smell bad, i want to read the newspaper
i want to complain!
i want to go home.
happyhalloween, i had great night roaming with friends and talking about how sad we all are. charlotte's fake blood was drying in drips over her red smoking jacket and out of the corner of my eye she looked dead indeed. jess was dressed like mermaid but she felt more like an alien, shining and lumpy.
people were all over and i liked them all, but today i dont know any of them.
im so tired. jesus, who the fuck wants to write papers.
i want to go swimming.
someday when theres a cool river in front of me, im going to not jump into it, and the next winter i will remember how i didnt jump in and i will feel like shit.
my whole life is oppotrunities, and the more i "get my priorities straight" the more i seem to "miss out" on "what's really important."
half the time im flying.
the other half im trying not to "go out for cigarettes and never come back"
the little things that used to make me so happy seem old. i fondly look back on the past two years and it feels good to remember how i became the person i am.
but now im just tired. ive been tried and fired. i want to go away and become something again. i want to make more beautiful things and i know for sure i want to sing.
but in tivoli, in these slight mountains
IM BORED. the people, they're all great.
i reallydo love them.
its me.
im so uninspired its disgusting.
life without enthusiasm, without passion, i might as well wander off in adrunk fog and drown likeatrue martyr to the cause.
COLLEGE IS FUCKING WEIRD. |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| dream |
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| 09:14am 27/10/2009 |
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why do i feel like my chances to do anything are severely diminished.
i just dreamt that brian, lizzie and i took flight on a huge raft. i was the first to fall off, lizzie next. we thought brian was dead for sure ad a huge wave came crashing down on him from the top of a canyon. we called for rescuers. but when we looked down to the river from the helicopter, brian was safe and floating free and we were on our way back to school.
when we got back, the news hand branded us outlaws.
i sat in a room full of girls wondering why i was back and what i should do. they had separarted lizzie and i but i knew she would go back to be with brian on the raft.
i ran out outside and found myself in a swamp.
the water was murky and muddy, but two miles down it could be gushing.
i jumped in. lizzie and brian passed me and slowed down, both of them smiling silently, inviting me onto their raft .
maybe being in a relationship is the only adventure im allowed to experience. one at a time. two is for the movies. no one can raft away from the world with the person they love. you have to do that shit by yourself. because adventures are inevitble self-discovery. and you can't rediscover who you are when the person you (might as well) live with is in the same boat.
in the end, you'll hate eachother, or civily go separate ways.
we traveled cross country after the river and i stopped in chicago. no one was there. the buildings slanted toward me menacingly. the bricks wanted to fall and have revenge for me leaving.
months later i was back at school. i took a guided tour of a cave. it was the free for all version of what i did. an option for students to let loose and see wild things without leaving their studies behind. there was a huge tarp instead of water. it grew with air, pushing us up against the walls. the cave guide let the air out and the group of us found ourselves standing at the top wall of the cave. everyone smiled delightedly. some jumped down to the floor. my immediate thought was, "how are you gonna freefall this far and not break something? where is the water?"
i think im terrified that if i ever took the plunge to do something wildly different, it would backfire and i would end up alone, old, and sad. maybe even dead.
but i got on the raft. and even after that close call, i got back on again.
i need jonathan. |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| enjoy |
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| 11:35am 21/10/2009 |
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at their show on friday night, evan pointed at me from the stage.
there were at least a hundred people in the crowd, drunk and dancing.
i realized at the moment how much i love my life.
im young and in college, im in love with a rockstar, and he thinks im adorable. |
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(uhoh... 2 got @#!* cussed outYou talking to me?) |
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| poem to professor t. of bio 101 |
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| 11:14am 19/10/2009 |
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biology is hard.
excel graphs confuse.
but these are some things
i must learn to use.
i couldnt say why
cause i really cant tell
why bard college makes a film major
disappear in science hell.
my gpa was once fine
i considered grad school
but with lab reports like these
nyu wont think im cool.
so i ask to the gods
of academia and beyond
why, oh why must an artist like me
test the genetics of zebrafish from a pond!
ill never understand
why metabolism varies.
just let me put it to film
and blame it on faries!
you can have the job of
falling in love with the lab
but let me entertain you,
because i find this reality a drag.
i dont want to insult
twenty years of your study.
so let me out of this class
and i'll make a movie, buddy! |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| what it all comes down to |
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| 06:23pm 18/10/2009 |
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im getting older and more responsible.
but still, i felt as helpless as a little kid last night when i woke up crying from nightmares.
im high but im grounded/ im sane but im overwhelmed/ im lost but im hopeful baby |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| 12:16pm 16/10/2009 |
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ive really fallen away from the family of friends i made in mcvicker freshman year. sofia said it was becasue i have a boyfriend.
thats only half the reason, and i finally feel like even though evan is a part of it, i dont care. because i can't not be with him.
jonathan isnt here. his energy isnt pulsing through conversations, waking people up or making them sing.
i wish i could have that sort of presence but its too easy to put it away for later and eventually forget it was ever there in the first place.
dave lives in a whole new family of friends. his house, "the man house" houses atleast 8 great people. when you're living somewhere like that, those people become your immediate friends. you dine with them, you make music with them, you drink with them, you might inevitably sleep with them, you go away with them to nyc etc.. .etc..
lizzie has a serious boyfriend, and to me, she uses him as an excuse to hide away from the world.
ive had this problem with my friends throughout my entire life.
when someone gets a serious boyfriend, they disappear.
i never understood that, so i made it a point to not allow a guy to change me; to drag me away from the life i work so hard at enjoying when im alone.
being in love, i finally understand, takes up all the alone time i used to have where i would be so angry, or so sad or so CRAZY withthis unfulfilled energy that i could write a poem or write a song or take a walk into the woods and feel like never ever going back.
i still feel like walking into the woods and never coming back but something about that thought is so surface level because IF i go back, i KNOW that something i truly want it there.
i make a huge effort to not spend all of my time with evan, but lately, with the rest of the world seemingly GONE AWAY or belonging to an era that passed without me realizing, being WITHOUT him is a fucking chore.
or, at least, it has been a chore.
however, last night i had the distinct pleasure of figuring a lot of the above-written things out for myself.
though my friends arent physically around, they are still there.
and even thgouh making new friends SUCKS and is so hard and so draining, it's the way life is.
i'm never gonna be able to take a family of people away with me to settle down with and make my life with.
when im old, it will come down to one person.
i used to think when i was old, it would come down to me.
i still really like that idea, but the magic in it has disappeard. love is tangible for the first time. and strange i have to say. sometimes its all that i dreamed of, but those moments are so fast i can hardly know them for certain.
everything else is jsut life happeneing, faster than i can keep up with.
basically, i dont know what is ever going on. but today, i'm going to try hard.
because all you can do, is "keep fuckin that chicken" |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| this is a letter i wrote to helena/ also good live journal material about my normal life |
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| 09:29am 13/10/2009 |
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really, these days my life is super average. evan and i are madly and happily in love for maybe the first time since we started dating a year ago. he promised me i could come to chicago over winter break with him, but before that im going to meet his parents and little brother at his senior concert. this is scary. i dont expect him to help me out with this because he's so ADD himself, he will probably be all over the place. and that's fine, i just need to "nut up or shut up".
i just got back to new york after being home for fall break and i realized that even though this LOVE thing is happening and giving me something ive wanted forever, everything else in my life is falling apart...
i dont like people anymore.
it's depressing as hell. at parties, i hate everyone. even my friends. i make an effort to enjoy myself but even while drunk, its hard not to see past all the bullshit. i want to feel like, on the inside, everyone knows what i know. that were all huge douchey fakers.
i want to hole up in the library and only come out to see evan, but the problem with that is...
i'm a horrible student.
i dont do my homework. i have to write a 12 page paper on feminist philosophy theory today and hand it in tomorrow. i didnt and in a lab report... and i have another one due tomorrow that i never started. im supposed to be moderating AGAIN this semester, this time into spanish. that means i might be doing two senior projects. one would be making a movie. the other would be writing a 100 page dissertation on a narrowed down subject in spanish literature. the idea excites me, but i shouldnt do it for many reasons, one of them being...
i lost my wind.
i dont care if i see the world anymore. i dont have the money to travel, so i just stop thinking about it. i dont care about animals OR humans anymore, if someone wants me to eat turkey on thanksgiving, why shouldnt i? i dont care about africa, i dont care about tibet, i dont care about anyone or anything. i hardly care about myself. i care about my mom and my sister and dave and kyle. for some reason my FAMILY means more to anything than it ever did before. i think its because i realized they are all amazing people. i am not who i thought i was, and i cannot save the world. in fact, i can hardly live in it.
i think i actually JUST realized, the root of my discontent is the simple fact that i am the same as every other person.
i really, up until the end of this summer, thought i was special.
so thats where my life is. ive been drinking alo of tea lately tho. thats supposed to be good for a person. it keeps one calm when the "shit hits the fan".
i want to disappear and start over, but im completely unmotivated, so i will "keep on keeping on" with my bland, normal life. |
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| 12:12am 09/10/2009 |
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picture this
40 people at my house
and im on my second forty.
everyone should leave
me to my anger
(you're not like me).
the drums feel loud and safe
you chest smells musty and familiar but
you're not here
and the drums live far away
on a tidal wave.
this is not what i wanted
this is what i got |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| today i feel like shit even though im young and in love |
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| 04:29pm 07/10/2009 |
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picture this
a beautiful fall day
in my favorite month.
i say
october should never end
but then
i pay my rent two days late
and the blonde woman says
"it's not enough, now let me suck your red red blood"
but its gone
my droplets are dried
my everything feels heavy, weighted, fated and fried.
i havent written a poem that i like in years
and i stopped going to the gym for fear
of wasting time.
all this energy i used to have wasnt mine-
some young colt sucked it from me, sucked me dry.
now linda, the real estate agent wants all that ive got
to put in her trunk
to make the leaves stick.
my ipods recharging
im gonna run it off but
really im tired, just tired.
i cant spell anymore,
words dont read the same way.
in the future i see myself following boys
following their scent of dick and rust following
their rain.
numbers remind me of childhood
childhood reminds me of pain
i'm thinking badly again. |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| full moon dreams |
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| 01:45pm 05/09/2009 |
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lat night i had a dream
i was in a house like the one in "full house" except it was dark, carpeted wall to wall making the floor a moldy brown color, and all of my relatives were decaying.
in the house, my boyfriend (Noel Fielding, British comedian from The Mighty Boosh) and i were staying together. he had come from far away to visit. the day he left a girl came to pick him up. his ex-girlfriends presence convinced him that we couldnt be together, despite having spent a week of really fun time in the house. he wouldnt say goodbye to me. he wouldnt look at me. i was screaming for him to say something. i felt like i was outside of myself, watching this horrible incident happen to a ghost person. all of my relatives knew what was happening but they refused to say anything.
betrayal.
i think i dreamt about this because last night evan and i went out together for a short amount of time. he hates big parties and i felt really torn between wanting to go out and be social or stay in and spend time with my boo.
it was good though because we figured out that we should go to parties separatly but hang out there together...
i dont know. having him in my life makes me responisible, thoughtful, mature.
but im always afraid of what's going to happen in the end. |
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(You talking to me?) |
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| drugs, money, socializing |
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| 01:43am 01/09/2009 |
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jesus, could there be a lamer poem than the one i just posted?
shit is heavy. love is deadly. im ready for bed but my brain won't stop.
time to take a little drop of sleeping juice.
bard is a whole differenct world this year. tomorrow should prove difficult... but...
why do i feel like i am the only person in the world who thinks everything is gonna be alright?
i cant afford the problems rich kids have. i can hardly sympathise because i just don't understand. i mean no offense. i'm literally just baffled by how different pain FEELS and how differently we DEAL with it.
everyone here has a therapist.
i realize if for some reason i came into a lot of money at an earlier age, i would be on anti-depressants.
but i didnt.
and often i convince myself that i don't need or want that shit.
i guess having money is having problems. but rich kids also make me feel like im a pesant.
oh that naive little girl... she doesnt know what it's like to have real problems.
i wish i thought it was ok to not have issues. |
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(uhoh... 1 got @#!* cussed outYou talking to me?) |
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| my friend almost died and tonight i had to say goodbye to him. i cant sleep so i wrote this poem. |
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| 01:40am 01/09/2009 |
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the lost sock he said there are bad people and there are good people
with heavy eyelids and a half smile.
he said ive been on autopilot telling
these stories all night, about
popsicle sticks and
flashing lights.
his laugh, his infectious disease
was twirling over our heads.
charlotte was red in the face and the other girls
had all been seen crying.
we said over and over, he almost died.
we wished for someone other than ourselves
at 11:11, usually i get nostalgic and weepy
thinking about love and shooting stars but
tonight as it unfolded left me clear headed,
exhuasted,
and wishing for him.
i can see every
minute of his decay and i think it all unfolded so simply.
anyone can fall into love like it's a bear trap
with the right pills,
the wrong time,
the friends who hold you to the sky and say
shoot, shoot, what else have you got to do?
i think he's a crazy genius,
he scares me sometimes with honest opinions,
but over the landrymat tonight
we washed out the lines drawn to keep us safely contained
in separate corners.
the rich, the young, the almost dead
must disappear to spin that silent dread into
music for us.
but in the end he will inspire
friendly fire. |
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| 11:37am 11/08/2009 |
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i havent felt this great all year.
truth be told, im terrified to go back to ny.
fucking terrified.
ypiiiii will never dieeee.
why do i look like such a hippie? i feel like a completley normal person.
well, as normal as anyone can get i suppose.
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(You talking to me?) |
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| alright already |
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| 11:21am 30/07/2009 |
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All is well with the world.
Last night Evan and I went to see GForce, which was actually hilarious, and pretty much decided silently to forgive and forget whatever weirdness spawned between us.
I went to the gym this morning.
The days of working 830 to 4, 5 days a week, are over! I am a free woman.
Today is one of the first truly nice days we've seen in the Hudson Valley all week. It is fresh, warm, and the basil patch outside is getting just the right amount of light.
Yes, except for a head cold and being so broke i can barely buy baked beans, all is well. |
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| 12:22am 27/07/2009 |
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miss my family
miss my youth
what else is new
i dont think im going to live very long.
bu who knows. maybe there will be some kind
of miracle inside of me.
a long lasting storm of light
against the hole in my pancreas. |
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(uhoh... 1 got @#!* cussed outYou talking to me?) |
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slurring_rhythm's journal